Sometimes We're Not Okay
by EmmaShalforever
Summary: So many cute, happy stories are being written after 3x13, but I wanted to delve into the darker part of it. How do you cope with your son not remembering you when you raised him for eleven years?
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I own nothing and make no profit.

* * *

Emma steeled herself by breathing in the cold night air deeply before raising her hand to ring the bell. She asked herself for the seventh time why she was _here_, waiting for someone to answer the door when she should be sleeping. And like the other six times, she remembered the image that had flashed before her eyes just before she succumbed to blissful darkness.

An image of Regina's pained eyes as she watched the son who didn't have any recollection of being raised by her for eleven years walk away.

Her whole body had jerked as her mind jump started again, apparently refusing her any beauty sleep before she made sure the woman was okay. Regina hadn't answered her phone, but it was to be expected. She was probably fast asleep, like she herself should be. Still, her body refused to calm down, that slight feeling that there _could_ be something wrong churning in her gut. And so she had groaned as loudly as she dared, not wanting to wake up Henry or her parents - she really needed to figure out how to tell her son they'd be staying a while so she could find somewhere less cramped to stay - and risk questions, before pulling on the first clothes she could reach that weren't skin-tight and sneaking out of the apartment.

She rang the bell again, not really surprised to hear no sounds of movement. She had tried calling the woman again on her way over - Regina's disapproving voice telling her how dangerous and reckless it was to call and drive at the same time - but recieved no answer. It was late though, no need to worry.

Emma pressed the bell three times in quick sucession and strained her ears. In a moment the woman would be cursing her for bothering her at this ungodly hour. She frowned when there was still no indication of life from inside the mansion. Surely Regina should have awoken from the noise.

She looked around to make sure no one was around - it would be awkward to explain to her parents why she was caught lurking around the Evil Queen's property in the middle of the night - before she made her way off the front porch and started walking around the house, peering through the windows as she went so she could try to assess if there was any cause for concern. She saw nothing.

Emma released a huff when she reached the front again, looking around once more to make sure she was still alone, before she decided to hell with it and unzipped the inner pocket of her jacket. Her tongue piqued over her lips as she carefully and meticulously started picking the lock to the door. She grinned and mentally patted herself on the back when she heard it click open five minutes later.

Sucking in a breath she slowly pressed the handle and let the door fall open, listening for any sounds inside. The absolute quiet that hit her ears made her skin crawl uncomfortably. A mansion should never be this silent, it couldn't be normal.

"Regina?" she tried gently, wincing as her voice rebounded in the hallway. The quiet made it feel like she might as well have shouted. "Okay, let's do this, Swan," Emma muttered to herself as she carefully shut the door behind her and let her eyes adjust to what little light seeped in through the windows. Of course Regina would be one of those women who never left any light on in a room that wasn't being used.

The first step she took made a dull thumping sound on the floor and she winced again as she strained her ears and eyes just in case. Fisting her hands so she'd be ready if anyone tried to jump her - but who would, everything was fine, right? - she slowly started making her way through the hallway to the living room.

She froze as soon as she could see inside, every muscle in her body tensing when her brain finally caught up and she realized there was a body on the couch. "Regina?" she whisper shouted. Even in the darkness she could make out the woman's head against the back of the sofa. It couldn't be anyone else.

Fear coiled low in her abdomen when there was no sound or movement from the woman; no sign of life at all. For the longest moment she just stood there, staring at the back of Regina's head, her mind blank. Then it kick-started as her heart jumped and all breath left her lungs. And she was running to the couch, around it, dropping to her knees in front of the woman without a care for the pain it caused when they hit the hard ground, as she frantically started chanting the woman's name while shaking her.

"Regina, oh God, Regina, don't do this to me," Emma begged as she grasped her arms firmly, completely forgetting that you should never shake someone who might be injured in case of spine damage.

And then she heard the most beautiful grumble she'd ever heard and involuntarily released a relieved sob as the woman started moving.

"It's okay, you're okay," Emma repeated nonsensically as Regina groggily opened her eyes and tried to focus.

"Wha-Em-Emma?"

"I'm here," she promised with a shaky smile and glassy eyes. Regina was alive, she was okay. God, she could kiss her. And punch her.

Regina blinked rapidly, clearly trying to regain her bearing, before looking down at the hands holding her arms tightly.

"What-" the woman had to clear her throat as it gave out, "What are you doing here?"

Emma noticed the way Regina looked at her hands and quickly pulled them away, settling one on her own thigh and the other next to the woman on the couch. "I wanted to check up on you, see that you were okay."

For a moment Regina's face relaxed as she eyed her. But then she apparently remembered who was sitting in front of her becuase her eyes narrowed and her lips pursed. "Well, you've seen me, and I'm clearly still around."

"Regina," Emma said with a tired sigh as the woman started fumbling to get up, forcing her to stand and give her space. "What happened?" Then she glanced around and noticed the empty bottle and the not quite empty glass and realization downed on her.

She reached out automatically to steady her when Regina stumbled, but the woman growled in warning and pushed her hand away. "I don't need your help," Regina barked and Emma raised her hands in a show of surrender.

"Of course you don't," she placated quickly. Regina was unpredictable on the best of days and she didn't want to find out what she could do when drunk on alcohol and pain. She'd follow behind her up the stairs just in case though.

"You can leave now," the woman said with just a hint of a slur and Emma nodded her agreement.

"Just as soon as you're in bed, I promise."

Regina sent her a glare that told her just what she thought of that idea before she apparently decided it would be better if she just ignored Emma all together. The woman released a sniff before slowly starting to make her way towards the stairs. Considering she was probably shit-faced, Emma was pretty impressed with how Regina almost managed to walk normally. For the first time she noticed that the woman were sans heels and marvelled at how petite she actually was. The heels and the attitude usually made her feel like Regina was taller. She followed the woman wordlessly up the stairs.

"No," Regina said firmly when she reached her bedroom door and Emma made a move to follow. The blonde folded her arms and frowned, but the woman wouldn't be deterred.

"Regina..." she breathed when the bedroom door was opened and the woman made to walk inside. "Don't..." Emma uncrossed her arms. "Don't do anything stupid. We'll find a way for you to get him back."

Regina's bottom lip trembled for a moment before she nodded once and turned away, shutting the door.

It wasn't until she started the engine on her beloved bug that Emma's mind caught up to the trashed room she'd glimpsed before Regina shut her out.


	2. Chapter 2

AN: Beta'ed by yoanagf, but in the end, all mistakes are my own.

* * *

Emma almost found it amusing that this was the second time in a week that she was standing on Regina's front porch late at night. It would have been if not for the reason she was coming back. She was worried. The woman had been acting weird since _that_ night.

In every interaction Regina had with anyone, the woman had been almost…placid. That's the word Snow had used anyway, but Emma couldn't help but feel like Regina was just…cold. That, in and of itself, wouldn't be unusual; people called her a bitch for a reason. No, what really sent uncomfortable chills down Emma's spine was the fast the woman's usually soulful eyes looked…dead. Emotionless.

Regina had always been good at wearing masks and maintaining appearances, but her eyes…they had always betrayed her. But the last week, even when forced to spend time in the company of her supposedly mortal enemy Snow White, Regina looked like she just didn't care. And it set off loud warning bells in Emma's mind.

So here she was, standing in the crisp late evening air in front of 108 Mifflin Street, waiting for a sign of life so she could reassure herself that everything was okay.

The unmistakable click-clack of heels caused Emma's pulse to pick up slightly. At least this time she didn't have to pick the lock on the door and find a passed out Regina on her couch.

"Miss Swan, what a surprise," the woman offered as soon as the door opened, her voice sounding anything but. "And what can I do for you at this late hour?" she continued, the barest hint of annoyance in her tone, but nothing like the sheriff had come to expect and associate with her. And that was another thing that didn't sit right with the blonde; she'd been 'Miss Swan' again these last days, which only made her feel like Regina was distancing herself from…well, everyone, by being overly formal.

"How about a drink of that famous apple cider of yours?" Emma replied with a look that had the brunette sighing as she stepped aside to let her in.

* * *

"As you can see for yourself, I'm perfectly alright," Regina proclaimed as she handed a glass to the sheriff before settling down in a chair gracefully, one leg crossing over the other as she eyed Emma impassively.

Emma raised her brows. "Yes, so I've noticed."

"Meaning?" Regina inquired, voice a little deeper with warning for the blonde not to go there. As usual, it remained unheeded.

"I'd say you're acting a little too alright."

"I'm sorry? I wasn't aware that me trying to move on would be so undesirable. Isn't that what you've all been asking me for since my son found you and brought you to my town?"

"Not like this, Regina. Something is going on, you're acting weird."

"I'm afraid I don't know what you're talking about," the brunette replied nonchalantly, causing Emma to frown in irritation and throw her hands out in exasperation.

"_This_, Regina, acting all emotionless and disinterested. Since when did you become cordial with Snow White? And Henry, don't you care about him anymore?"

"Of course, I care about him," Regina barked angrily. "He's all I care about. That's why I've done it."

"Done what?" Emma requested, her eyes narrowing in a silent warning for the woman to cut any bullshit. The brunette just pursed her lips.

"It's nothing."

"Regina," the sheriff growled out in frustration. God, sometimes she just wanted to strangle the woman.

"As far as I can see it's none of your concern, Sheriff. Everyone is doing _fine_ now. I get along with your un-charming parents and I can be around my son who doesn't remember me without feeling like it's tearing out my heart."

"Yeah, but it's like you have no heart," Emma blurted out in aggravation. And then she gaped at the woman in disbelief as a flicker of a guilt passed over her features and she realized what it meant.

"Oh my God, Regina, please tell me you didn't actually remove your heart?" The fact she was even contemplating or asking it at all was ridiculous. Freaking magic always messing with her head.

The brunette pursed her lips indignantly. "I had to. It's the only way for me to be able to think clearly."

"Or you could have just kept it in and dealt with it like normal people," Emma barked as she shot up off the couch and started pacing. "Jesus, woman, are you out of your mind? Who the hell takes out their own heart?"

Regina quickly stood herself as a look of anger came over her face. "You people may think I'm just a robot, but I'm not. I can't live with the pain of knowing my son is so close, but I can't even touch him because he thinks I'm just some damn stranger," she belted, one hand clawing at her chest where her heart used to be as she remembered the feeling of utter despair that had consumed her before she removed it. "To see him look at you as he used to look at me and know that he might never remember and that I might have to stand on the outside looking in at my own son whom I raised for eleven years and whom I love more than anything."

The anguish in her voice and the wetness in her eyes made Emma's own water. Because she understood it, she really did. The thought of it being her in Regina's shoes made her heart clench painfully; and she'd only known the kid for two years. Regina was and would always be a mother; his mother, and yes, it had to feel almost unbearable at times. But taking out her heart? There was no way that was the answer.

Unconsciously, Emma took a step closer as if to comfort the woman, but Regina stiffened immediately and she knew better than to push when things were so emotional. So instead she clenched her fists and forced them to her sides.

"Look, I know I can't even start to imagine how it must feel for you, but you have to put it back, okay?"

They looked at each other for a long moment.

"Henry might not remember you right now, but we _will_ get his memories back and I need all the love I know you have for him; Henry needs your love. You can't love him if you don't have your heart, right?"

Regina's bottom lip trembled for a second, before she drew in a heavy breath and let her body relax just a little. She had to be strong, she had to – "It hurts _so _much," she whimpered and it was not what she'd meant to let out at all.

And then she was enveloped in strong arms as Emma Swan clung tightly to her, stroking her hair and whispering "I know, I'm sorry" over and over, trying to soothe her. And Regina, against her better judgment, wrapped her fingers against strong shoulders and hung on for dear life, soaking in the touch even though she tried to tell herself not to.

"We'll figure it all out, I promise," Emma offered, sighing internally when she felt the brunette go rigid in her arms and knew in a second Regina would pull away and admonish herself for her moment of weakness. She wanted to tell her that it wasn't, that she was a strong woman and that it only made her like her more because it meant she was human.

Emma let her pull away without a fuss as soon as she felt Regina start to move, but didn't give her time to put her walls all the way back up, knowing if given the chance, the brunette would shove her out the door and pretend this moment never happened.

"Where do you have you heart?"

Regina eyed her warily. "It's safe."

"Please, Regina, we need to put it back," she pleaded, willing the other woman to see reason and not go off on her or refuse her request.

A flash of irritation passed over sun-kissed features, before the brunette grew almost morose. "You can see yourself out, Miss Swan."

"What?" Emma asked surprised, eyes widening slightly in shock. "Regina, no, you have to-"

"Put my heart back, yes I know," the woman interrupted curtly. "And I will, but I prefer to do it in privacy, away from your prying eyes."

Emma frowned, but knew she couldn't really do anything other than comply and hope the woman kept her word. "Okay," she offered after a moment, trying for an encouraging smile and hopefully succeeding. If Regina didn't follow through, she'd notice and then she'd just have to try again and refuse to leave until it was done.

"Okay, I'll see you tomorrow then," she said firmly, as much of a consolation to herself as a promise to the other woman.

Regina's lips barely lifted in parting as she promptly dismissed the annoying blonde who apparently refused to leave her alone.


End file.
